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Finding Myself

I used to love hide-&-go-seek when I was kid

It was thrilling to me to hide and be found. I would cram my little body in whatever un-obvious place I could and wait for some kid to come trudging along and find me. It was great. I loved being found more than I loved hiding or finding others! It makes sense to me now, because if you are never found, what is the point of the game? I think that’s what makes life a lot better too—being “found” essentially by someone that matters…even if that someone is just yourself.

This past year has been a bittersweet mixture of pain and progress on so many levels. At the end of 2014, I ended a toxic relationship with someone I had been close to for nearly half of my life, and my decision brought on more pain and relief than I could have ever imagined. I lost myself somewhere along the years filled with abuse and hopelessness, and after it stopped I realized how much I let others define and control me. That’s one reason I felt like I needed to start this blog. I just decided to take a chance and make 2016 the year that I share my story in an attempt to find myself.

Being a Christian, this leaves me at a weird paradox. How can I find myself when Jesus said for me to lose myself?

Matthew 16:24-26 reads, 24Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? (KJV)

This is something every Christian must figure out, and since a lot of the noise has been silenced in my own life I am left with the resounding questions in my head like, “Why does my life matter? What is my purpose/destiny? Who am I?”

It’s almost more of a blessing to have lost myself along the way, because now I understand that finding myself isn’t what will bring me fulfillment: it’s in finding Him that will bring me peace and purpose.

Now I have my own life with my wonderful husband who tells me I am free to pursue my dreams with his full support, and this blog is a part of my new dream to eventually be an author. I feel my life blooming effortlessly as I lose myself and all the pain of my past and I look to God to find my identity.   If you’re somewhat like me, and you can identify with anything I shared, let me offer you the same conclusions that I have found from spending the year 2015 reflecting on my life:

If I look only for myself, I will miss God’s direction to find Him first—and ultimately lose myself.

If I make finding myself my first priority I will be blinded by my own limitations.

If I live my life with the intent to pursue God, somewhere along the way, I will find purpose in my life.

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